My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
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My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Has science gone too far?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.