What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
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Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
what do you want!!!!!!!!
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
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Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.