food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
British websites use biscuits.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see