Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
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The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
How I like cutting carbs
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Ugh but profoundly
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.