People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
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While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
this independent good boy don’t need no human
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.