WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
You Might Also Like
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”