FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?