Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
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50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
#catsoftwitter
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
my dad has had enough
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
These 3D printers are insane!
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!