I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
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I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.