Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
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My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain