[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
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20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Never ghost your hitman.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
huge if true: the moon
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.