My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
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not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Same post same
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.