Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
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Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.