You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
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I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room