“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
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We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around