He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
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If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!