my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
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If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
New menu item
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Merry Christmas
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or