Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
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After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.