Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
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me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute