{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
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wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.