That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”