ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
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Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
is this a warning or an offer?
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly