*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
You Might Also Like
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
The news
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!