What the hell is going on?
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thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”