Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
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Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.