Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
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Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
put ‘er there pardner!
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*