Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
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There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”