*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
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Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.