Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
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Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Mornin
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever