Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
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if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.