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Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I’d love this…lol
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Oh yeah that’s it
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school