[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
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My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
😂 amazing answer
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂