Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
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They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??