True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
You Might Also Like
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti