Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
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Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
figuring out my emotional availability:
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium