me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Lmbo
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I was bored.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
#TopTip
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.