To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
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A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.