I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
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“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
How it started How it’s going
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
ouch
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option