Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
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I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
i was baptized in a car wash
tell em, edith-anne
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Does beer think about me too?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL