went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
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“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.