Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
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Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Monday
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”