*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
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A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.