My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 馃槶
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I don鈥檛 think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine鈥檚 Day are about to expire.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you鈥檙e tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she鈥檚 had it with you.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: 鈥o
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won鈥檛 be coming because of social distancing. They鈥檙e my cats and they live with me so I鈥檓 very confused.
馃ぃ馃槄馃ぃ馃槄 OUCH!
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.