A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
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Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
seems like a niche market
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Put this video in the Louvre
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what