Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
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Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.