KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
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A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
BaD BoY!!
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.