Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
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[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Twitter is an abusement park.