[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
You Might Also Like
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?