I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.