Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
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I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.